by Jessica Dunn

First Miscarriage at 18 Weeks

With our 18-week loss of our son, Lawson, I was completely devastated.

We were crushed, our whole world had been turned upside down. I had to be induced to have him and the process was very traumatic, but the staff was amazing and saved my life. I delivered him and he was instantly placed on my chest and I held him and told him how sorry I was for not being able to save him and protect him, I kissed his sweet hands and let him know how much he was loved.

I then started to hemorrhage and things got a little fuzzy from there, but once I was stable again we were able to hold him and stay with him as long as we wanted to. While we cried tears of despair we heard babies being born and making their healthy first cry, families rejoicing and smiling. On the way out of L&D they told us to ring the bell signaling that a baby had been born, I couldn’t.

I was leaving with a box and other moms were leaving with babies. My baby went to the morgue and other moms were nursing their baby. I went home with an urn and other moms went home with a cooing baby.

A Second Loss at 7 Weeks

I found out 4 months later that I was pregnant again, by surprise. But before my first appointment I started having the same symptoms I had with Lawson and I knew that this baby had died. I went in for my first appointment and I was already crying and the midwife said lets take a look to calm some nerves and to reassure you things are ok. She did the ultrasound and confirmed no heartbeat. The words I was so tired of hearing came out of her mouth, “I am so sorry for your loss”, I wanted to scream at her, her apology did nothing for me.

The OB refused to do a D&C so I had to go through the process at home, I delivered him and then things went downhill very quickly, I hemorrhaged again and my husband had to call an ambulance and was rushed to the hospital and went home after they got me stable and the bleeding under control.

My first OB team didn’t even see me after my losses because they did not have enough appointments available. So I literally was left out to dry and no one cared or reached out to help us through it and give us the resources we needed.

Third Miscarriage at 16 Weeks

7 months later we were surprised again and found out we were pregnant. I was terrified. I switched to a new OB and felt like my care was going to be superb this time around given how poorly my previous OB had treated me.

My new OB did all the right things and had an amazing team of specialists that I saw weekly. I was on meds to help things progress and everything was going great. I was cautiously optimistic. Some of the same symptoms I had previously had started happening again and I went in right away and baby girl was ok. One week she was a jumping bean on the ultrasound and the next she wasn’t moving very much and was hard to get a wiggle out of her.

The next week we heard the heart wrenching words again, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat”. I knew this time I could not do it again and I begged for a D&C and the doctor agreed that given my history that was the best choice.

It took 5 weeks for the insurance to approve the D&C because of the overturning of Roe v Wade. I was literally a coffin for my dead daughter. during those weeks I felt her lifeless body bouncing around inside me and for a moment I thought maybe they were wrong, I hoped they were wrong.

My body wouldn’t wait for the scheduled D&C and I was rushed to the ER and I ended up hemorrhaging worse than ever and needed emergency surgery and multiple blood transfusions. I was in the PACU for a week receiving blood and my doctor trying to get my body under control, I had tubes coming out of every part of my body and it was the scariest thing I have ever seen.

I was not prepared for 3 consecutive losses, or any. But what I was really not prepared for was losing all of my friends. We literally lost every friend in our lives after the 3rd loss, we had no one.

What Helped Me Through the Hardest Times

Talking to my babies helps me get through each day.

I hold their urns and talk to them, I look for signs from them everywhere that I am. We celebrate them often and talk about them with our other kids often; the dreams we had for them and what we think they would look like now.

Going through their clothes and items we had purchased for them was also very helpful. Joining Grief support groups has helped a lot, not always something I look forward to but it has helped me.

If I could go back…

If I could go back I would tell myself that there was nothing I did to cause these losses and that I am still a good mom.

I wish I would have listened to my intuition much sooner, I know it would not have changed the outcome but I think it would help me to not blame myself as much.

Speak up and fight for yourself and for your babies, either lost or future babies. A mother’s intuition is never wrong and I really encourage women to follow that feeling and know it is there for a reason. You have survived 100% of your worst days and you deserve the best.

Q & A with Allison, Founder of Miscarriage Hope Desk

How many weeks were you when you miscarried?

18 weeks, 7 weeks and 16 weeks

Looking back, what, if anything, do you wish you would have done differently?

I would have fought harder for myself and for my babies. I would have sought mental health help much sooner. After we lost our son, Lawson at 18 weeks I was numb and dead inside. I wish I would have pushed for answers and pushed for more of everything.

My OB failed me and my son. I wish I would have listened to my intuition that something wasn’t right, but the nurse reassured me that it was nothing and that there are false positives for DS all the time and we can wait. My son died before we got to see the specialist and I wish I would have pushed them much harder to get me in sooner.

I have so many regrets about how I handled things after each loss, every day I am constantly repeating “I wish I would have done this or that”. It is a heavy burden to carry.

Anything else you would like to add?

Tell your story, talk about it often, it really does help the healing process. In all of our family photos we bring a keepsake or an item that reminds us of our babies and we include them in our family photos, that has been a big help in guiding our living children in acknowledging their siblings that were gone too soon. Having them in our photos helps us in our journey to know where we have been and how far we have come.

They may not be here but they are loved and missed deeply.