by Alexis Courtney Inderbitzin

The Beginning of Our Infertility Journey

I’m Alexis, born and raised in Arkansas, married to my husband for 6 years (will be 7 in June) and we have two fur babies. Our infertility story started 4 and 1/2 years ago.

I had it all planned out, I would be 27 and 31 when I had both of our children. I got off birth control and we tried for about six months and then I had my annual OB appointment. My OB knew that my husband had previously been on testosterone and was currently on it as well and told me that that could deplete the sperm count and so she referred him to a urologist. His count was zero, which we found out in May 2019.

So at this point we were six months into trying but found out that the trying had been pointless because his sperm count was literally zero. The urologist put him on Clomid for three months and then added in injections for him and said that was a six-month period of just trying to get his count up. In November of 2019 (so it had been a little over a year) his count was where they wanted it – I believe it was 15 million. We were told to try naturally again with timed intercourse and all that fun stuff.

And it’s interesting to me because even through the IUIs – for me personally, that period of 6 months was so incredibly draining. I just remember thinking I cannot do this anymore. I went again for my annual appointment in April 2020 and she decided we needed to do all the testing on me.

Hope through Faith

I vividly remember this being one of the lowest points in the last 4+ years. My very best friend who had moved here with me from Arkansas got pregnant and then my next best friend got pregnant that year and then my other best friend. There was a group of us Nannies who had become best friends (still best friends with them today) and all but one got pregnant. I remember being so bitter and just sobbing. It’s not that announcements now don’t hurt because they still touch me to my core but back then I wasn’t able to see the celebration in it because I had built up this bitterness.

I remember after one of them telling me they were pregnant I had a Bible study that night and I went and they asked for prayer requests. It was the first time that I had said verbally out loud we are struggling with infertility. It had been a year and a half and if I could go back and change anything truly it would only be getting involved in community sooner because for me that was life-changing. That is where God said I’m gonna take your mess and I’m going to turn it into a message and I believe that to my core. This was also when I published my first blog post.

In May 2020 I had all the testing done. Thankfully I have a very proactive OB/GYN. I absolutely love her. After doing all the testing nothing came back and so she officially diagnosed us with what she thought was unexplained infertility and referred us to our reproductive endocrinologist.

We were moving at the time, just like 30 minutes away, but we waited to go see the new doctor until we got moved into our house and were settled. We knew what she was going to suggest.

I feel like honestly up until six months ago, so for the first 3 1/2 years, I’ve always been a couple of steps ahead of my husband. That’s kind of just how we process things. I am an Enneagram type one. I want to plan ABC. He’s very much in the moment.

IUIs and Moms in the Making

We saw our new doctor in September 2020. Of course, this is when Covid’s gone rampant so we had our appointments separately and virtually and that was honestly just the norm for us. She suggested we do three IUIs. She also thought that we had unexplained with a bit of male factor just with the sperm count being on the lower end but no reason why it shouldn’t work (you know that’s what they say.)

The moment she said “3” something clicked in me. It was like Holy Spirit said, you’ve held on so long…let me take over from here.

I had joined an infertility support group I had heard about on a podcast called Moms in the Making in June of 2020 and God just so graciously started making my heart so tender to everything that I was starting to become hardened to.

So when she said 3 I immediately thought of death, life and resurrection. Another three I thought of was God the father, God the son, God the holy spirit. And Jesus rose on the 3rd day. There are so many Beautiful representations of three in the Bible and I’ll forever hold that close to my heart.

There was not a second thought in my mind of whether or not we should do three IUIs so we decided to move forward! We did one in October of 2020, December 2020 and February 2021, so took a month off in between. Honestly, I was convinced the 3rd one worked so that was probably the toughest one but I blogged throughout the entire journey and you can read all about all the details God so graciously gave me each time that just provided me with such peace.

In the midst of all of this, my Moms in the Making leader had come to me and asked if I would take over her group. Because we had moved to Celina I just started my own group there and it’s been exactly two years of leading that. It’s a worldwide group and I 1000% encourage women walking through infertility to join. I’ve met some of my very best friends through the group. We have had 8 babies since the group started. I am such a huge advocate for it because just like anything else, I think you so desperately crave to have people who understand what you are walking through.

Finding Our Path Forward

So fast forward to April 2021 which was our consult with our RE about next steps. That was another one of those moments I’ll never forget. It was a virtual call where we knew she would naturally tell us IVF was our next step. Leading into that conversation, my first words were, “I want you to know we are not 100% on anything so we want to hear about doing another IUI, IVF, embryo adoption and then we are also looking into domestic adoption.”

When I got off that call I cried and cried. I described it as having all of these paths to get to a destination but none of them sound appealing. So we decided to take time to pray. We didn’t know how long it would take for God to lead us to a decision but we just prayed and prayed.

In the meantime, I did a lot of research. I talked to a consultant for domestic adoption and did a lot of research between embryo adoption, domestic adoption and IVF. I have to say my heart was never drawn to IVF. I have never felt like I need to have a biological child to have a certain connection and after basing what IVF could look like based on our IUI results, we were told we would probably end up with 8 to 12 embryos. I just never felt settled creating more life when God had lives waiting for us.

There was a sermon on Father’s day 2021 and the entire sermon was on how God adopts us into His family. I knew at that moment but I continued to pray. The following week God started giving me signs, one being through a license plate. The name that we had picked out for a girl was on a license plate. Chris and I came together in July to talk options and then again in August. When we talked in August 2021 we both knew exactly where God was calling us and decided to move forward with embryo adoption.

Embryo Adoption

Our infertility clinic had an in-house program and for us that seemed like the easiest option, or so we thought. We announced our decision along with a fundraiser puzzle in October of 2021.

I’m not gonna lie, at first I obsessed over looking at the families. We had decided on number three just based on feeling like God gave us number three from the beginning and then we knew we wanted an open donation. As far as looks we didn’t care about characteristics and then we, or mainly I, wanted tested embryos.

I will also say from June 2021 to mid-January 2022 were the worst six months of our marriage. To the point where we put looking at embryos on pause. I don’t want to say infertility was destroying our marriage but I think there were things that were never established in the beginning of our marriage and then infertility just trickles down and affects all of those things and so it just kept getting piled on.

So we started seeing a Christian counselor at the beginning of January 2022. Honestly, I look back now and don’t know why I was so hesitant. I hate that there is such a stigma on getting help because for us, God used that to help save us. It took a lot of work and a lot of communication, paying off our debt, joining a church and really putting looking for embryos on the back burner until we got our relationship where it needed to be.

On June 24, 2022 I went in for my annual OB appointment. My doctor told me that she had just delivered an embryo adoption baby and something in me, which I know was the Holy Spirit, told me to start writing down in my notes on my phone a daily journal of what was happening. Just a collection of my thoughts because I was going to look back soon & see all that God has done in the “little moments”.

In July of this year we went on a weekend trip for our anniversary and it was the best trip we have ever taken. The effortless grace that God poured into us looking back so graciously moved us right into our next steps.

The weekend we got back we decided to start looking at embryos again and praying for open doors so I joined a Facebook page for private donation. That same day we heard back from the coordinator with not good news.

I was driving down the road telling God to send me a sign, I give my “3” – that it didn’t need to be 3 embryos, that the 3 could look like whatever He had for us. In that moment, I got a message from this girl on July 13th at 12:03 that she had 3 untested embryos. We talked over the next 3 weeks. I prayed, God reminded me I told him I would surrender. And on August 3rd, we had a zoom meeting. At 9:03 she messaged me and told me they picked us.

Over the next 4 months…..we would go through mounds of legal work, picking up our embryos and dropping them off, another hysteroscopy in November and then we moved right into our transfer protocol.

Peace Amidst Grief

We did our transfer in December and it worked but I miscarried at 7 weeks pregnant. Now I’m on the other side building another layer with loss and would love to continue to tell my story. I have written for my blog every day since I found out I was pregnant and the raw feelings I felt as I miscarried and I have felt the presence of Jesus. The verse, “peace that surpasses all understanding,” I’ve felt that but I’ve also felt an immeasurable amount of grief. You can experience joy and sorrow in the same token.

I never pictured myself walking through miscarriage but then again I never pictured myself walking through infertility. At times it’s been like a bad dream I can’t wake up from. At other times I’ve felt God’s grace and mercy surround me in a way that I know could only come from Him.

I always thought infertility was the toughest thing I had walked through and while I stand by that, the grief of losing a baby on top of that adds a layer. A layer that is so thick and holds so much pain. People asking if you’re okay and they are there for whatever you need but what you need is the pain to go away. There’s no way to escape pain and grief though. You have to walk through it and I know it is by God’s grace alone that I have been able to walk these last few weeks.

That period between knowing my baby was gone and waiting for my body to process it was excruciating. I made myself go on walks and get out of the house. I made myself open my Bible. I made myself thank God and sing songs of praise when I felt my heart going to a dark place of just wanting a baby in my arms.

If you’ve ever been in this position, the one of infertility as well as grief, then you know all too well the feeling of wanting to move on to the next thing but also being terrified of this happening again. As if infertility doesn’t take enough away from you, now you have additional anxiety on top of it for the future. A future you desperately desire. God has so gently tugged on my heart letting me know He is my future.

My circumstances might terrify me. The unknown might make me tremble. I might not have my miracle in my arms, yet. BUT GOD. I don’t ever want to forget my story doesn’t end in those moments when grief hits me and joy seems to be stolen. No, my story ends with the goodness of the Father. On that day that I asked Jesus into my heart, the ending to my story was forever changed.

It’s a weird place to be to be in a place of knowing I’m where God has called me but feeling like my feet are stuck in mud and not moving. All I can do is trust. Trust God. Trust His calling. Trust His plan. Trust that even though I might not see it now, I’ll hopefully see it one day. Trust and be expectant that this next transfer will bring us a pregnancy to full term, and claiming that in Jesus name.

I feel like God has put me on this journey to help others with theirs. And this is one way I’ve found that my voice can lead my story back to his glory! There are so many intricate details of my miscarriage where God has been so faithful so instead of sitting in where we were, I love to share what God is doing in my heart now!

Q & A with Allison, Founder of Miscarriage Hope Desk

How many weeks were you when you miscarried?

7 weeks

Looking back, what, if anything, do you wish you would have done differently?

I don’t wish I would’ve done anything differently. I think a big thing I wrestled with was having tested embryos. I’m a firm believer in being 100% on a decision before moving forward and because of that I don’t really have anything I would do differently. If anything, I would’ve joined a community sooner, it’s life changing to do life with people who understand what you’re walking through.

Anything else you would like to add?

I know this can seem like it’s never going to end but this world is only temporary. That’s not to say it doesn’t suck because it does. But don’t waste your wait. No matter how long you walk this road, it’s okay to take breaks. Take care of you. 

Connect with Alexis

Blog: Faith in the Wait

Instagram @lex_faithfitnessfertility