Miscarriage #4 (SURPRISE)

This post is very difficult for me to write.

I found out I was pregnant again! This was very much unplanned and the first full cycle after my previous miscarriage. That did not stop me from being overly enthusiastic and to start, once again, planning out the rest of my soon-to-be-a-mommy life.

I had previously booked appointments with two different fertility specialists and was in the process of doing a ton of bloodwork in order to come up with a plan for my next pregnancy. But this was even better, I was pregnant! I could skip doing all of the “work”, here was the real plan God had for me. I only thought I was going to have to follow a protocol and have a difficult pregnancy, phew! I knew that really wasn’t my story, I knew this was how it was supposed to work out. A lot of women get pregnant the first cycle after a miscarriage and go on to have healthy happy babies and nearly forget they ever even had the miscarriage. I was going to be one of those women. This was my story!

Already knowing that my Antiphospholipid Syndrome needed to be controlled, I started right away with the Lovanox & baby aspirin and had set up a supplement plan with my new naturopath so also implemented that as well.

My husband was out of the country when I found out, so I waited until he got back to share the news. When I handed over the positive pregnancy test he was confused at what I was trying to tell him- we were pregnant!

I had an existing appointment with a doctor at a fertility center so I went in to see her. The conversation was strange because instead of her explaining the process of IVF or any other fertility treatments or plans, we instead talked bloodwork and a plan for keeping this existing pregnancy in place. I loved feeling like I didn’t quite belong in that office.

The doctor also had me run some bloodwork to check the status of my current pregnancy and the next day my numbers came back… an HCG of 56 and a Progesterone of 3.

If you know anything about HCG & Progesterone in pregnancy, you know those are not promising numbers for what should have been week 5 of pregnancy. Maybe I had ovulated later than I thought and miscalculated my days? We had not been trying this cycle so I was unsure about when I ovulated. Maybe the pregnancy was just way earlier than I had calculated? My doctor suggested re-running the tests to confirm whether or not this pregnancy was progressing.

When we re-ran the numbers two days later, they had only decreased. I was devastated. Like crushed. This is my fourth miscarriage and the earliest (I was only about 5 weeks when the miscarriage was confirmed and started bleeding a few days later), but in some ways it was/is the most devastating. Maybe it’s because as I’m writing this, I’m still “in it” and don’t yet have the gift of hindsight. Or maybe it’s because I’m tired and exhausted. I’m tired of being positive. I’m tired of being optimistic. I’m tired of having faith. I’m tired of feeling sick and broken and alone.

All of the previous miscarriages seemed to bring me and my husband closer together, especially the third time where we were able to re-connect on a trip to Europe! But after this one, I started pushing him away. My emotions were out of control (I blamed the progesterone I took for the first time this pregnancy, my husband insisted it was my lack of self-control). We are now a few more weeks out and are in a much better place as a couple, but I came out of things feeling very defeated and unsure I am capable of continuing down this path. Do I want this badly enough? Am I strong enough? Is our marriage strong enough? Would we be better off adopting? These are all questions I am grappling with.